We’ve all heard of the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you (or some variation thereof). Does anyone else have as much of a problem with this so-called “rule” as I do? Because, frankly, it seems a bit self-centered to me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of those if-it’s-not-perfectly-right-than-it’s perfectly-wrong kind of people, but I do think we can do better, particularly when it comes to one of the most often cited rules in the book.

So, what’s my issue with the Golden Rule?
The Golden Rule implies that whatever is best for you is best for the people with whom you interact. Now, for sure, you shouldn’t treat others in a way that’s obviously worse/less respectful than how you would expect others to treat you. However, how do you know that others want to be treated in the same way you do?

Here’s an example:

As an Indian American, I have other Indian or Indian American friends who have names that are not as commonplace in the U.S as some others. Sometimes they choose to go by an “Americanized” pronunciation of their name, just to make things easier for others. Another example of this is people whose name has a common nickname associated with it — like John for Jonathon or Kim for Kimberly.

If you are one of those people who doesn’t care when people use an Americanized version or nickname in place of your name, the Golden Rule would tell you to go ahead and treat others the same way, right? So, to you, every Nicole could be a Nicki and every Ajay an AJ.

I can hear some of you saying: what’s the big deal?
According to this Washington Post article, “A person’s name is the greatest connection to their own identity and individuality. Some might say it is the most important word in the world to that person.”

So…yeah, it certainly seems pretty important. And, the Golden Rule flies in the face of this. That’s just one example of norms that the Golden Rule violates. What about individual’s preferences for what they eat or what they wear? Do we just assume that everyone else prefers what we do?

I propose a new rule: do unto others as they prefer to have things done.
Call them by their preferred name or pronouns. Let them eat and wear what they prefer. Individuality is something that is valued (to some extent) in our society, so honor that in others. Sure, someone could turn my own logic on me and say — what if what they want to do is illegal or hurtful in some way? Well, you got me there.

But, let’s stop pretending that the Golden Rule is so golden, shall we? It’s not that hard to ask people what they prefer — and then do it.